solo porque me gusto.

Welcome to the most important morning of the year, when Oscar emerges from his gilded awards-hole, announces who’s naughty and nice, leaves some nominations under a nearby tree, and, finally sated from a milk-and-cookies breakfast and scared by his phallic shadow, retreats back into darkness, signalling that we’re going to have five more weeks of overheated, hyperobsessive speculation about who will eventually take home some little statues. (It may appear we’re a little mixed up, but a day this hallowed requires conflated mythologies.) Without further ado:

As expected, Brokeback Mountain velvet-lassoed eight nominations (including picture, director, actor, supporting actor, supporting actress, and adapted screenplay), officially graduating it from “the gay cowboy” movie to a “melancholy Western about two cowboys who fall in love,” and “cowboy love story.” Let the mainstreaming of the tender, homosexual ranchers begin! Joining Brokeback in the best picture race are Capote, Crash, Good Night, And Good Luck, and, somewhat surprisingly—but not if you realize that Steven Spielberg can pick up the Gold Phone, whisper something in code, and order up a nomination whenever he likes—Munich.

Overall big winners include Good Night and Good Luck and Crash (you knew it was coming, and there was nothing you could do about it) with six nominations each, and Munich (see above re: the Gold Phone) and Capote with five apiece. And the Fat Clooney/Black-and-White Clooney conjoined twins overcame life-threatening weight gain and Acute Monochromatic Period Piece Disorder to earn three total nominations.

Unfortunately, this is a day for losers as well. Those not getting an ecstatic early-morning phone call from their “people”: Walk the Line (no Best Picture nod), King Kong (only technical noms), Russell Crowe (somewhere, a hotel desk clerk is in grave danger), and the excellent A History of Violence’s David Cronenberg and Mario Bello. Of course, there are others, but we don’t want the negativity tainting our utterly pure and righteous anger over Crash’s success.